The Tower
If I believed in such things, this card would have a home in my Tarot.
Of course "The Cards" cannot tell you the future any more than "The Stars," all fortune telling is hokum at best. Odd though, how appropriate the meaning, and that I should recall it.
In the days after our star fell I wandered somewhat dazed, and confused through the things I had to do, my boss was an absolute paragon of understanding, and allowed me a great deal of freedom in what I would do. Clearly, staying at work was all I could do, I was living on the good auspices of my friend, but would have to start paying my way sooner, rather than later. That first week was long and hard, I got through it on borrowed strength, and a stubborn streak.
The end of that first week brought a further blow to my already fragile state, Mr. A revealed a "Last Secret" that left me reeling all over again (this is the aftershock referred to in the previous post). Even now, weeks later, I don't know how I kept functioning, I put it down to a kind of Auto-Pilot.
Over the next couple of weeks, with much support from friends and colleagues, I would gradually resume my full duties at work, but my life remained in tatters. Not eating properly, sleeping only when overcome with fatigue, and in a continual state of stressed dismay, I lost enough weight for people to notice. Eventually, I began to settle into the reality of a very changed world, a world that I did not, and do not like. But fundamental questions remained unasked, and as a result, unanswered.
It has very nearly been six weeks since the events of that Sunday, a month and a half of trying to make sense of it all, and mostly failing. Wondering if there was something in my own behaviour that contributed to his, believing in my heart that I should have been able to pick up clues if only I had looked hard enough, and then knowing with equal conviction that I couldn't have seen this coming, after all, why would I even suspect he had strayed from the good path, and into darkness.
Mr. A was bailed on the first day, and had to report to a police station once a week. After 28 days he was to return to answer his bail, but was released on his own recognisance, pending further investigations before the end of the fourth week. At the time of writing, those investigations are continuing, and there has been no word from the Police, we wait.
"You said 'we,' why,we?"
It's simple, his remorse is palpable, he has made it clear that he knows how appallingly he has behaved, and how much he needs to return to an honest, and upright life. He has made it clear that he will submit to the law, and has entered counselling. he has made promises to me.
For my part; The heart wants, what the heart wants.
That said, I need my questions answered. I fear those answers in a way I have never felt fear before, without them, tho, how can make any sense out of this? How can I move forward until I understand how it came to be that this is where I am? Where we are?
I suppose if he truly is my heart's desire, I must find a way not only to ask the questions, but to find a way to live with the answers, or to deny my heart. What else can I do?
